we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
