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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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