why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
