Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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