i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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