so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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