You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
