I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
