At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize