the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
