It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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