What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize