Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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