i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She needs sedatives and a leash
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
