Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
