I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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