just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
