Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
