I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
