im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
