3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i will never coherently bang her
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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