i think my tv is drunk
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
