I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
