My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
