going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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