I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
