DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
