I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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