Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
