I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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