You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
