How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
