Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
