I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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