it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
