There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
