I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
