There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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