so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize