dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
