i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Randomize
