So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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