The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
