I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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