Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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