Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
