stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize