Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
