I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
