I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
