I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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