I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize