So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
