god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So. Much. Porn.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
