I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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