Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
