Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
