I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
