Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
