The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And then my night got REAL pukey
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
