If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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