I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
