i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am puke
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
