i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
