My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
